Depression and Anxiety

I am one of millions who has depression and anxiety.   I will not use the word suffer because it’s who I am.

I am lucky that I don’t have COMPLETELY debilitating depression or anxiety.    I say completely because while I have days that it hurts to get out of bed and all I want to do is pull the covers over my head and sleep or cry, I get up and shower.  Then I go and fall asleep on the couch.  But I moved and that is a huge accomplishment.

Some days, I make myself leave the house, even if it’s just to go to target or get gas in my car, even getting the mail is movement.

Most days, I’m ok and able to function “normally”  Some days I put on a smile and go out and fake it so I don’t spiral

Some days I just don’t fall asleep at all because my brain won’t shut up and since I can’t live on Xanax, I let my brain run wild. Those are the hard days, because while my body is so tired, my brain just won’t shut up and then I have to take something to sleep.

Some days are good   Some days I have anxiety attacks and then will be ok for a few days.

Some days are good

As long as I remember to breathe IMG_0128

(that’s gonna be my tattoo, as drawn by my niece)

Dependent on my sister

I moved to NJ about 10 years ago.  Before I moved, my sister said to my mother, I hope Rachel doesn’t get dependent on me, I have my own friends”

Well, that worked out well.    For about 10 years, we have been making fun of my sister for that statement.     I love her tons and love that we get along so well.    I adore watching my niece every Wednesday and one Saturday a month (really I do)

I love going food shopping Sundays with them

I love having to find a babysitter because my sister doesn’t have time

I love going to her house to wait for the heating/AC guy because she has to work and can’t take off (In her defense, she’s a doctor and rescheduling patients is harder and I am not working)

I love going to her house because the kid is sick and she can’t stay home from work (see above)

I hope I don’t get dependent on her

Suicide is not painless

Someone I don’t know, never met and only saw her name on posts from mutual friends killed herself the other day.

Honestly, it doesn’t affect me in any way.  I’m sad she felt she had no other options but emotionally, I have no feelings on it.

I know someone who killed herself and tried to kill her 6 month old daughter so she wouldn’t be a burden to her dad.   The baby is now 13.  I remember finding out she died like it was yesterday.  I remember not being able to think and feeling horrible for her husband.

I want to say that suicide is NEVER the answer, but sometimes. for the person, unfortunately it may seem like it is and that’s horrible and awful.

Suicide, contrary to Mash’s theme song, is not painless.   It hurts the people left behind.   There is always someone to listen, a doctor, a friend, hotlines. There are even apps now that will contact you with mental health professionals to talk to for free

It’s awful that she felt this was her only way out and her family and friends are in my thoughts

I miss writing

I do.  I have stuff I want to say but just don’t.  I have no idea why.

I have been out of work for over 2 years and it sucks balls.  I’ve been going on interviews but obviously not getting the job.  One place said they LOVED ME but were concerned I wouldn’t come in during bad weather due to the commute of (gasp) 20 minutes.    I was like whatever.

I have been spending a ton of time with the Princess.  She is so funny and smart and getting to be a wiseass.  I’m so proud

I got my tx for NYCC15.    they should be in the mail shortly and I should have them in hand by end of summer wOOt

I’m excited and upset since my boyfriend Chris Hardwick isn’t going to be there.   His stupid best friend is getting married.   (I’m kidding, he’s not stupid but I’m still holding a grudge)  but Nathan Fillion will be there so that’s something. and I get to hang with LN and brother and SIL and friend of family L so that’s fun.

I’m trying to make myself a deal to write at least once a week if not more often.

Will you read?

New year

Not a new me.

I don’t make resolutions. I’m not gonna keep them so why bother. That being said:

I will empty and fill my dishwasher every day
I will do laundry ( wash fold and put away) 2x a week

That’s it. That’s what I want to do for myself this year