October

It’s a big month.   My birthday is this month.  44.   That’s a lot of numbers

 

I’m going to NYCC (New York Comic Con) this coming weekend.   I’m so freaking excited I can’t stand it.

Im gonna see the Walking Dead and Chris Hardwick and Arthur Darvill and possibly the League and so much other stuff.

 

SO EXCITED

Caring is good.

Here’s the conundrum

I have anxiety.
I have the fun anxiety that doesn’t turn my brain off at night because I have to worry about EVERYTHING.

Some valid worries like will I get a job. Some that are out of my control like what will I do if/ when something happens to my parents and some totally irrational ones like is there a dent in my mattress

I posted on Facebook that anxiety is when you care to much about everything

I also posted that one of the greatest mental freedoms is when you don’t care what other people think of you

But not caring what people think of you and caring to much…is that counteractive

I don’t give a damn what people think of me. You like me great. You don’t fine. Most do the time I am in my own head and not paying attention to what you are thinking about me anyway. Unfriended on FB. Ok. No skin if my nose, I can guarantee I won’t notice until someone tells me

My life is my own. Your life is yours If you choose to share your life with me that is fantastic. If you don’t, thats fine also, but know that if you think I’m going to be upset about it….sorry to disappoint It’s more likely I won’t notice

It doesn’t mean I don’t care, it means that my Meds are working and my life is actually taking precedence. But if you need me….call, text or email. I promise I will listen because if you let me in your life and I let you in mine it’s because I do care. A lot

It’s getting hard

I haven’t worked since April.    As much as I like not working, I need a job because I’m not independently wealthy. 

 

I keep getting phone interviews, and they say they like me and I will be hearing from them.  I follow up and get told “they are still reviewing and I should hear shortly”    and that never happens 

If you don’t want to hire me, fine, but send an email or call and say sorry not sorry.    The  not hearing sucks, especially when they tell you you did well. 

It’s just frustrating.   

 

Job

So. Some shit is going down at work. Shocking right. Apparently I may be getting fired/laid off depending on how you look at it. But, I have a job interview on Thursday that seems promising. They requited me. Found my resume on line

I’m choosing to look on the good side and hope for the best

If I get the job, I’m gonna ask to start after I get fired/laid off so I can get severance. I should be able to get 5-6 weeks which would be a nice savings

If I don’t get it, it’s at least two months mortgage.

Wish me luck.

I think a lot

I have been in therapy for about 3 weeks and had an “a-ha” moment. I was telling my therapist that I didn’t get any sleep the night before because I was freaking out that I didn’t have toner for my printer. I mean literally freaking out.

First. I need toner. If I don’t get toner I can’t print the stuff I need and if I don’t print it than I can’t send it to the people that need it and than I won’t get the stuff I need.

Second. Ok. I can go to staples tomorrow and get the toner

Third. Crap. I’ve been to staples and they don’t have the toner I need

Repeat step one

No. They Have to have it. I got the printer there so they have to sell the toner.

Repeat step one

No. I just need to find the right toner

Get out of bed and look at toner ( it was now 3 am). Ok. I need the toner that has that picture of like a bow tie on it.

Go on to staples website and look for it.

Repeat step 1. For an hour and cry

Check office max and Amazon and HP and toner.com REPAT STEP ONE ANDCRY EVEN MORE

5 am. Fall asleep from crying

6 am. Alarm

Go. Ok. Take a picture of the type of toner you need and go to staples and find it.

Check website. They open at 8. Freak out until then

7:55 leave house and go to staples Look for toner by picture. Can’t find so repeat step,one in the store hoping some sales person will see me and ask if I need help (they don’t).
Ask front desk guy. Where can I find this toner with this symbol.

He shows me. I buy it. Go home. Put it in printer and it works. Print what I need and all is well

Apparently I do what is called circular thinking. I immediately go to worst case scenario. Someone doesn’t answer the phone. They fell down and died.

He gave me some cognitive thinking stuff to do to stop it which seems to be helping. I’m still doing the circular thinking but instead of being stuck in the circle, I stop and work my way out if it. And it seems to be helping to not go back into it

New beginnings

I’m starting therapy today. Real therapy with the talking and the feelings. Not just the drugs My head is in a real messed up place and hoping that talking about it and maybe learning some coping mechanisms will help.

I am not sleeping well which if you know me, that is odd. I can sleep thorough anything, but I haven’t been able to turn my brain off

It’s my first appt so it’s more a getting to know you and am I comfortable with you to tell you stuff. We shall see

Reading

I don’t make resolutions or goals for New Years. Why bother. I want to lose weight and eat better it’s not a goal, it’s a lifestyle change that I have to do.

Last year I said I wanted to read 60 books in a year. I knew I was gonna be able to do it because I read a lot. So it was a suckers goal. I used Goodreads to keep track of what I read and what I wanted to read. I read a few anthologies, are they one book or 6 because they were full lengthy books snobby different authors of the same genre. If they count as however many books get are than I read 133 books so far ( I am in the middle of two books so the total if I get the done in 12 days will be 135.

I want to start a new list for next year. So am making a new shelf in Goodreads for 2014.