I don’t know what brought this on

I’m not afraid of death.  I’m not.  When I die, I’m dead and won’t know what is happening to the people I left behind – that’s not to say that I WANT to die.  I mean I know that when my grandparents passed away, we were a wreck, and I don’t want my family and friends like that. But what I’m saying is I know if something happens to a family member or friend, I know how I will be as “the one left” vs “the one gone”    Again   I don’t want to die, but I’m not afraid to.  But that doesn’t mean that I won’t be crying like a newborn if I am ever in a life or death situation. I am a wuss after all.

But once I’m gone, I’m gone.   When my sister was little she asked my mom what happens after you die.  My mom said You Rot.   Needless to say, religion was not a big part of my childhood.    I don’t not believe in God, but I don’t believe in him/her either.

I know that if I die, I will be thought of everyday by at least 5 or so people, hopefully others will think of me and say

Remember when Rachel did….

And that’s ok.

I know when something happens to a family or friend that is what I do.   We were talking the other day about my grandparents and things we use to do with them.

I had the grandmother who cooked all day

I had the grandmother who though ketchup was a main food staple (fyi, I HATE ketchup)

I had the grandfather who was loves sports and was strong and amazing

I had the grandfather who passed away when I was 15 months old and all I know about him is that he loved music.

I think about them a lot.  Not every minute of every day, but often.   When I see the kids and how NE loves baseball, – would he and grandpa have been the two who sat and watched sports together

Would the great grandparents have thought my nephews and niece were as funny and smart and fantastic as we do.  Would they smile and laugh the way we do when LN shouts out show tunes while sword fighting.

Would they laugh while listening to the princess giggle and would they have fallen in love with her the same way we all did from the first second we saw her picture.

It makes me wonder.

But I’m not afraid of dying.  I’m just not ready for it yet.  I have way to much living to do.


5 thoughts on “I don’t know what brought this on

  1. I am very afraid of having a very painful death. But the whole dying part doesn’t scare. Can I admit however.. that it does make me sad to think about? I love my life. I don’t want it to end.

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