If you have kids (or been one), and have gone through the pet syndrome
including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will
have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son’s lizard to the vet. Here’s what
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
‘something wrong’ with one of his lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
‘He’s just lying there looking sick,’ he told me. ‘I ‘m serious dad,
can you help?’
I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into
his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
‘Honey,’ I called, ‘Come look at the lizard!’
‘Oh my Gosh,’ my wife diagnosed after a minute. ‘She’s having babies.’
‘What?’ my son demanded. ‘But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!’
I was equally outraged.
‘Hey , how can that be? I thought I said we didn’t want them to
reproduce,’ I accused my wife. ‘Well, what do you want me to do, post
a sign in their cage?’ she inquired. (I actually think she said this
‘No, but you were supposed to get two boys!’ I reminded her, (in my most
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). ‘Yeah,
Bert and Ernie!’ my son agreed.
‘Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,’ she
informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?’)
By now the rest of the family had gather to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
‘Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,’ I announced ‘We’re
about to witness the miracle of birth.’ ‘Oh, gross!’ they shrieked.
‘Well isn’t THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of
tiny little lizard babies?’ my wife wanted to know. (I really do think
she was being snotty here, too. Don’t you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a
tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
‘We don’t appear to making much progress,’ I noted. ‘Its breech,’ my
wife whispered, horrified. ‘Do something, Dad!’ my son urged.
‘Okay, okay.’ Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several
more times with the same results. ‘Should we call 911,’ my eldest
daughter wanted to know. ‘Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.’
(You see a pattern here with the females in my house?’
‘Let’s get Ernie to the vet,’ I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. ‘Breathe,
Ernie, breath,’ he urged.
‘I don’t think lizards do Lamaze,’ his mother noted to him. (Women can
be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but
this boy is of her womb, for God’s sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass.
‘What do you think, Doc, a C-section?’ I suggested scientifically.
‘Oh, very interesting,’ he murmured. ‘Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak
to you privately for a moment?’
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
‘Is Ernie going to be okay?’ my wife asked. ‘Oh, perfectly,’ the vet
assured us. ‘This lizard is not in labor. In fact that isn’t EVER
going to happen…Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And
occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they
um…um…masterbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.’ He
blushed, glancing at my wife. ‘Well, you know what I’m saying, Mr.
We were silent, absorbing this. ‘So Ernie’s just…just…excited,’ my
wife offered, ‘Exactly,’ the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
And then even laugh loudly. ‘What’s so funny?’
I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would
commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. Laughing ‘It’s just..that..I’m
picturing you pulling on its..its…teeny little..’She gasped for more
air to bellow in laughter once more.’ ‘That’s enough,’ I warned. We
thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the
car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you’ve done,Dad,’ he told me.
‘Oh, you have NO idea,’ Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with
2- Lizards- $140..
Trip to the Vet…$30…
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard’s winkie…Priceless !
Moral of the story-
Finish biology class- LIZARDS LAY EGGS
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